The “Why Now” moment! My journey through fertility struggles

I never thought I would be someone who tracked my ovulation on spreadsheets and ovulation kits!

The Before

Growing up, I experienced excruciating period pains and heavy flows, but for all the many times I sought help, it was considered normal, and I was always told the pain would eventually reduce as I grew older and completely stop once I gave birth. I learnt to live with the pain and heavy flows.

The most challenging part was that my periods were very irregular. I remember the first time I got my period was when I was about 12 years old, and then the next time I had them again was when I was 15 years old. It was not a cause for alarm then because I didn’t have to deal with the worries of pain and staining my uniform.

My bag always had tissue and pads just in case I needed to use them, because I was never certain when it would come. Years later, on campus, I remember missing lecturers, especially on the first two days of the cycle, because I would be weak and sick from the heavy bleeding. My friends often joked about it, saying I must be very fertile!

After campus, I joined the workplace. Every cycle came with challenges, yet I had to brave through it all because who cares about a period? Every woman goes through it, and it’s not a disease, they often said. My productivity would take a nose dive each cycle, and to some, it felt like I was pretending to be sick. That became my reality for years! Show up strong, no matter the pain.

I always imagined that building a family was almost automatic! We were taught that 'Books Before Boys Because Boys Bring Babies'. A mantra that kept many of us away from boys because they bring babies! To discover later that some women actually bleed but do not ovulate at all was such a shock! How is that even possible, I thought? But when I was diagnosed with PCOS- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, a condition associated with hormonal imbalance, it started to make some sense.

The Shift

In 2020, during the lockdown, I realized something was different! I suddenly gained 10 kg in a period of 2 weeks. My belly was big, almost like that of a 5 or 6-month pregnant woman with a clear, bold vertical black line commonly known as the “linea nigra”.It runs from the belly button to the pubic area and sometimes all the way up to the ribs.

When I returned to work, everyone… both my colleagues and customers were congratulating me on a COVID Baby!

While everyone else congratulated me, my manager said something that grabbed my attention: “Judith, you don’t look fine! What is the matter?” I was almost convinced that we had conceived, but all the tests we did turned out negative. That worried me. Where were all these body changes coming from? To seek some answers to the many questions in my mind at the time, I visited a medical center near my home.

The results were shocking!! I had multiple fibroids. They gave me plenty of painkillers and advised that I should consider getting pregnant, and there was no need to worry, since many women have fibroids but still conceive and carry their pregnancies. That explanation did not sit well with me. I was lost in confusion, denial, fear, and anger. It felt like there was more they were not telling me.

After wailing the entire evening, in the calm of the night, I called up one of my sisters and narrated it all. She advised that we seek another opinion, which I agreed to because there was definitely something wrong!

I visited several facilities, and each time the findings got worse and scarier. I was guided through the options, and I settled for the laparoscopy to remove the fibroids, which was less invasive with a shorter healing period. That’s how my uterus was saved after a threat of losing it!

What the journey actually looked like: The middle

I will segment this experience into 4 categories for context.

The medical side

After the first surgery, I was certain that the problem was now gone for good. Shock on me! I was told these fibroids can still grow back, and true to it, after a series of fertility treatments, a year later, nothing had changed. I underwent tests, diagnoses, scans upon scans, and the HSG scan showed that my Fallopian tubes were blocked. Again, I was guided through the options, and a laparoscopy was the safest option to try to correct the tubes or at least establish the cause of the blockage.

The cause was the scarring from the previous surgery, and amazingly, 4 fibroids had grown back in the same danger spots in the endometrium, the inner lining of the uterus, where a fertilized egg implants during pregnancy, which explains all the pregnancy signs and symptoms earlier and at this point! The scar tissues and the Fibroids were removed.

The Doctor’s appointments, treatments, tests, scans, and back-and-forth movements to and from the hospitals continued. I became familiar with medical acronyms such as IUI, IVF, PCOS, PID, and HSG, among others, because of the reality of those moments.

The emotional side

I can barely explain in plain words, but I will try. I spent nights soaking the pillows with tears; the nights always felt longer! During the day, I was showing up strong, smiling for the long queue of customers, even right after my shots, sometimes drowsy and dizzy, but not many would notice unless told.

My partner often couldn’t predict my mood swings, but was very gracious. The grief cycles of negative pregnancy tests never got easier. I dealt with subtle feelings of jealousy at baby showers, and the sting of random pregnant women who, for some reason, would be everywhere as if sent to remind me of what I desire but don’t have.

Then there was the heaviness from isolation, the exhaustion, stress, and the slow

slide into depression... I could go on and on about this, but allow me to stop here.

The social side

This journey paints ISOLATION in bold letters. It's more tempting to stay alone than to be with people because they often ask questions or give unsolicited advice that opens up all kinds of triggers for hurt, blame, guilt, and shame. But I am grateful that even when some didn’t understand how to help, a few friends, colleagues, and family stood by me all through the journey.

The Daily reality

Each calendar day felt like it was ruled by blood draws, the endless ovulation tests, the timetabled intimacy, the two-week wait, the disappointments of the negative tests, the invasive scans, the timely treatments, the abdominal discomfort, the bloating, the weight gain, the headaches, the back pains, the endless scrolls on Google/ YouTube trying to understand a diagnosis, the financial strain and many others.

This is what changed me and gave me perspective

I intentionally decided to redefine my faith. Instead of googling my diagnoses and finding worst-case scenarios that always kept me thinking the worst is yet to happen, I chose to look out for positive stories of infertility overcomers, and wow, I was inspired in a whole new way!

I listened to sermons more, which uplifted my faith and restored my hope. I began to journal my prayers and thoughts whenever I could, and looking back, it’s the most beautiful evidence of God’s presence in my/ our lives always.

Each time I walked into a hospital for a doctor’s visit, I would feel a heaviness and ask myself these questions:

• Why is there no one to support us with our emotional baggage before and after these

• visits?

• What happens to me after the bad results have been handed to me?

• Who cares to know if I am mentally stable to get home after the heartbreak from the diagnosis?

  
  

I strongly believe the reason I went through this painful and draining journey to parenthood was for me to find the answers to those questions, and indeed God came through for us. We received our miracle baby in May 2023. Today, I am not only a mother but also a fertility coach/counselor supporting women and couples navigate the overwhelming emotions of their journey to parenthood. I do this under a company I founded, Moms Qavah Fertility Consultants.

Here is what I want you to know

You are not alone! Infertility affects 1 in 6 adults of childbearing age, according to the World Health Organization reports. Always remember this… Infertility is a medical diagnosis, not a character flaw!

Language matters; how you articulate your opinion, advice, or information matters. For example, 'just relax, it will happen' is not medical advice, and neither is it emotional advice. Our emotions, pain, confusion, and frustrations are valid and real. 'Just relax' won’t fix it, but your ability to extend grace will.

The best support you can offer someone on this journey is to be a safe space for them to share and listen to understand, not to respond. What I wish I had known is that our bodies always communicate when there is a problem underneath, and enduring pain is not a badge of honor, but seeking the right support is! What is the one thing you wish more people understood about infertility?

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Author: Judith Akite

Fertility Coach/ Counselor

Founder: Moms Qavah Fertility Consultants.